The House by the Ocean

When I was around 14, I had a complete mental breakdown. All the trauma I had been carrying had nowhere left to go. We had just moved far away from the few friends I had... And the house with a pool!

(see that article for more detail: The House with a Pool

https://open.substack.com/pub/starinbloomjourney/p/the-house-with-a-pool?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=4wmj1d

I was a small town girl dropped into a city, and worse my new high school was full of preppy, snobby rich kids. My family was upper middle class, but I didn’t have that mentality. I did not fit in!! I lasted maybe six months there. The only kids who wanted me to hang out with them were the beautiful special needs kids who let me sit at their lunch table, they didnt make fun of me or tease me or pretend that their table was to full. They were my shelter from the bullying shitstorm that was my life.

If you read the article about the house with a pool, then you already know the shit storm I lived in at home. By that time, the sexual abuse had stopped, but the verbal and emotional abuse hadn’t it had escalated, so I rebelled!!! I quit school, refused to go back. I locked myself in my room all day and only came out at night. My brother would sneak me food in a bucket I lowered from my window. My Step dad made sure I was locked outside all day because I refused to go to school and they didn't want me inside when no one was home so I would be dragged out and locked out all day…I learned to pick locks and open locked windows I became very proficient at breaking into my own! home…they kept getting better locks

Bit by bit, I lost my mind. Honestly, a lot of it is very patchy in my memory. It’s like huge chunks of time are missing, or what I do remember is fuzzy. I would blast Green Day and every other band I knew would drive my parents crazy. They even took my bedroom door away because I refused to open it. So I blocked the doorway with a tall heavy dresser. I lashed out verbally, I started lashing out at home physically, I hated myself!! I hated everyone!! I was just... gone, I would spend all day sobbing! I cried for hours, I spent all my time crying…and trying to sleep away my pain…

We lived in a house by the ocean, in an ordinary upperclass sort of neighborhood…For some reason, my stepfather built me a place to shoot hoops! My very own basket ball court…looking back it was probably an unspoken bribe he was hoping I would keep my mouth shut..I loved basketball I’d spend hours outside shooting hoops, I got so good I could even shoot backwards! And at the edge of my world was Buddy, a beautiful old golden retriever from the neighbor’s yard, he was my soul mate. He’d lie down in the grass next to me and listen while I vented all my rage on my basket ball court, until I collapsed from exhaustion. Buddy would give me the kinda love only a dog can give!! It felt like he was my dog…he just knew how sad I was! Dogs sense that stuff!!

There were 300 wooden stairs that led from our house straight down to the ocean. I swam in that water every day, all year round January, December, it didn’t matter. Part of me hoped I’d get hypothermia and die….but of course, I never did. Not even frostbite, we would get snow but no matter how long I sat out there soaking wet I couldn't get even a bad cold!

One day, I felt exceptionally unhinged and decided to end it by breaking my neck. I didn’t hang myself like a normal person I grabbed my mountain bike and flew down those 300 stairs at breakneck speed. I still don’t know how I survived. I wasn’t a stunt rider and at the bottom of the stairs were massive logs and boulders, but I didn’t get even a scratch. Worse yet I had to drag that heavy ass bike all the way back up those 300 stairs. I thought maybe that would kill me from a heart attack instead!! I was so pissed I survived and I had to bring the back back up I didn't stop to think how bad ass I must have looked doing that!! Or how cool was it that I just did an evil kinevil!! Nope I was pissed i had to carry my bike up a steep 300 stairs…

I tried all kinds of stupid, reckless ways to end my life until I finally landed on one that should have worked. My mom had severe allergies, and the doctor had prescribed her a high dose of prednisone, she had just refilled it that day! I took the whole bottle, plus everything else in the medicine cabinet two massive bottles of Tylenol, and anything I could get my hands on. Then I went to bed.

Somehow, I woke up. I can’t remember how I got to the hospital just that I did. They didn’t pump my stomach because too much time had passed. They made me drink charcoal, but even the staff admitted it was probably too late for that to help. I was in and out of consciousness. People kept telling me how selfish I was my mother, the doctors, the nurses. I remember thw doctors telling me i was a medical miracle and he didnt know how I survived let alone didnt have organ failure!! Excuse me for not jumping for joy being your medical miracle today doc! I was soo pissed! I mean hearing i should have died really set me off! I did everything right and i still couldnt get out of this pain, suffering the agony!! I felt so trapped…Next a bastard of a mental health counselor came in screaming at me. I was still pretty messed up feeling drugged as hell and responded like a rabid dog, screaming at him to get the F out of my room. They called hospital security. I lost completely lost it!! Later one i was told his technique worked on all the other youth but me..I was the first one he couldn't reach! He even came to apologize but I was not having it..I told him he was a psycho and to leave me the hell alone I wasn’t going to let anyone bully me again…. The reality is when he came at me like that I was scared but when I used to be scared, I didn’t act like everyone else. Rage protected me!! It wasn’t safe to show fear, not in my world!!!

They had me on 24/7 surveillance i remember there was a few sweet nurses..kind and caring..but I can't remember anything they said to me…

After that mess I was in and out of hospitals, shuffled through assessments, labeled as an ADHD kid with learning disabilities, and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder for good measure.

(that one was proven false later on i do not have that disorder! I actually have Post Truamaric Stress Disorder but im managing well these days!! ) I’ll never understand how these professionals these child psychologists couldn’t see the abuse.

In one hospital stay, they locked me in a padded observation room with a giant window so staff could watch me. The bed was bolted to the floor. I was like a caged animal. At one point, I lifted my shirt and pressed my chest against the glass in a wild act of frustration and rage…definitely not in my right mind… That’s not who I am!!! I’m not someone who exposes myself like that. I barely remember it!! When i think about it im so embarrassed unfortunstely other people other people do remember it. It makes me shudder!! I was completely out of my mind.

Another time I took shears and buzzed my waist long blonde beautiful hair into a male buzz cut…hoping to get my revenge! The only one who suffered was me I cried when I saw what I looked like in the mirror…I also put on some pounds to make myself less attractive…it worked he didn't bother me then!! Not sexually!! He just kept up with the mental abuse and the name calling…got other people to participate like his cousin and some other people…

A steady stream of ADHD meds, tranquilizers, and antidepressants turned me into a zombie. The fire in me burned right out…Iwas no longer venting my rage on everyone anymore i could barely feel anything to be honest I was numb as hell and anytime I acted up they could tranquilizers me… Eventually, I got what felt like an ultimatum. Everyone remembers it differently, but to me, it didn’t feel like I had a choice. I was sent to foster care at almost 16!! At the time I didn't drink or do any drugs…I was just behaviorally messed up

But my friends that’s a whole other story, i will share with you another time!! My first night there was wild. I ended up in a mixed group home with boys, girls, and five female pugs. But that’s a tale for another day.

I want you to know I didn’t stay in that place. I heard a voice inside tell me I had a choice i could stay that way forever or fight to live!! It would be hard and the road wouldn't be easy but I would have joy and happiness along with the sorrow and they would never leave me…soo i made a decision to fight!! The road has been hard!! My journey has been difficult, I have fallen on my ass more times than I can count!! but truth be told I'm so glad I'm still here to tell my story to all of you!!

Somehow, through all the madness, rage, numbness, and survival, I made it out. Piece by piece, breath by breath, I began to come back to myself. It wasn’t instant, and it wasn’t clean but healing rarely is!!!

Today, I’m no longer that little girl trying to die and disappear!! I’m a woman who at 44 years old finally knows her own worth!! I still carry the scars, over the things that have I have gone through! Some physical some mental!! But they no longer hurt me and I can talk about them now!! They don’t own me anymore.!! They’ve become part of the map I use to help others find their way back, too!!

If you’ve ever felt like you were too far gone, too broken, or too lost to ever return please hear me when I say you’re no!!!

You’re still here.

And that means there’s still time!! As long as your breathing there is still hope for a better tommorrow!!

There is always a way forward, even when you’ve forgotten how to walk!! Even if your to tired to take another step!! I believe in you!! Don't give up! You are not your past! You are not the things that have been said or thought about you!! Your not allowed waste and not a write off and it's never ever to late!!

All my love

Tara ~Star In Bloom 💓